


I've got all my time to give if you will receive

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Anger, Angst, Apologies, Confrontations, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:07:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14523288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I know that what I’ve said had hurt you, Chii. But I...”“Hurt us?” the other hissed, bewildered. “You’ve hurt Yuya, Hikaru. You’ve really done a number on him.” he said, accusingly. “As for me... I’ve learnt to not give a damn. If that’s your opinion on my relationship with Yuya, it’s none of my business.”





	I've got all my time to give if you will receive

Hikaru had never much liked rain.

That night less than ever.

He found it expressed all too well his state of mind.

He had been done with work for a few hours, but he didn’t want to go home.

After the shootings for the Yan Yan Jump Kota must’ve realized there was something wrong, and had asked him to go out together; Hikaru had been tempted to accept, but in the end he had given up.

As much as he liked to spend time with Yabu, he didn’t feel like talking, not that night.

They would’ve ended up on the hard questions, and he didn’t feel like it at all.

He had let him go with a smile, reassuring him, telling him he was okay and that he had nothing to worry about.

Then he had gone to a small restaurant close to the studios to eat some ramen, trying to linger as long as possible, but he couldn’t avoid forever to get up and leave.

And once out, he hadn’t known what to do anymore.

He thought about going and drink something, but he knew he would’ve ended up drinking too much, and he was aware that right now being drunk would’ve served the only purpose of adding up to that feeling of vague sadness he felt, turning it into pain.

He didn’t want to go back home, because he was tired of those walls; he was tired to be welcomed only by silence, he was tired of not having anyone to talk to when he had a bad day, tired to go to bed every night even when he wasn’t sleepy, just because he didn’t want to do anything alone. And he was tired of wallowing in his thoughts, without knowing how to shut them up.

He knew where he wanted to be right now.

He knew with whom he wanted to talk, he knew who he wanted to see.

And knowing he shouldn’t have, remembering what had happened, made him feel sick.

He stayed still on the street for a few minutes, so long that a few bystanders started looking at him funny.

Wanting to avoid for someone to recognize him, he decided to actually go to a bar.

One or two beers, after all, couldn’t hurt that much.

 

~

 

He wasn’t drunk.

He hadn’t drunk too much as to not know what he was doing, but he wished he could’ve said it was like that.

Beer, and not too much of it. His head was spinning a little.

The alcohol in him was enough to have him in that precise spot in Tokyo, but not enough to let him forget he had been there the next day.

He checked the time: he had been there for almost twenty minutes now, trying to find the courage to push the intercom button.

It was the wrong thing, and he knew that, but he had no intention to leave. Not at this point.

The rain had drenched his clothes, but he barely noticed it.

He had walked, too much for really feeling anything anymore.

He couldn’t feel tiredness, he couldn’t feel his damp clothes sticking to his skin, he felt nothing but that vague nervousness that had attacked him the moment his feet had taken the direction of that neighbourhood, of that street, that building, that apartment.

And in the end, he rang. Weakly, without much resolve, almost hoping to be ignored and that he could’ve gone back home with the certainty that at least he had tried.

He wasn’t so lucky.

_“Who is this?”_

Chinen’s voice sounded worried, and Hikaru could understand that.

It was way past eleven, and in his place he wouldn’t have been so relaxed either.

“It’s me.” he said, just then thinking that Chinen might’ve not recognized him, not from the intercom. He was about to say his name, but the other spoke first.

“ _What do you want?”_

So he had actually recognized him.

The silence following that seemed infinite; and he was about to speak again, but the even this time the younger did that first.

_“I’m coming down.”_

Hikaru nodded briefly, without even knowing why.

He had hoped he would’ve at least let him in, but he considered himself nevertheless lucky for not being told to go to hell.

He waited for the other to show, and during those minutes he seemed to become aware of the coldness.

He wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing in search of some warmth, but all he did was press his wet clothes further onto his body, and gave up.

He walked under the small awning covering the entrance, and right then he saw Chinen getting out of the elevator, walking slowly and unwillingly to the front door.

He opened it abruptly, nodding him to get inside.

Yaotome lowered his head to thank him, but the other didn’t even seem to notice.

“What is it?” he asked straight away, but didn’t give him time to reply. “If you’re here to remind Yuya of how childish I am, I’m going to have to disappoint you: he’s having dinner with Kei, and since it’s raining he said he’s going to sleep over.” he explained, sarcastic.

Hikaru took the blow, because he knew he deserved that.

He remembered every single word he had told Yuya, he remembered the way he had belittled Chinen, and he knew the younger hadn’t forgotten either.

He bit his lip, nodding briefly.

“I know that what I’ve said had hurt you, Chii. But I...”

“ _Hurt us_?” the other hissed, bewildered. “You’ve hurt Yuya, Hikaru. You’ve really done a number on him.” he said, accusingly. “As for me... I’ve learnt to not give a damn. If that’s your opinion on my relationship with Yuya, it’s none of my business.” he said, shrugging.

Hikaru sighed, bringing his hands through his hair and pulling on them a little, exasperated.

And yet he knew; he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, he knew that Yuri wasn’t going to just forget all he had said, that his apologies weren’t going to be enough.

And he didn’t blame him, because in his place he wouldn’t have done it either.

They were so damn similar, the two of them, enough that he could foresee his reactions.

Even though the fact that he could didn’t mean that the younger’s stonewalling didn’t hit him.

On the contrary.

“Chinen, please, listen to me.” he asked, almost begged, and likely that was what made the other cave.

Hikaru didn’t know what to expect from him, but for sure it wasn’t submissiveness, it wasn’t to lower his head uncomfortably. And he had to give it to him, it was something that he hadn’t showed often, especially not in the past weeks.

Chinen leant against a wall in the entrance, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.

“I’m listening.” he said, a slightly sarcastic tone that the elder chose to ignore.

Hikaru clenched his fists and took a deep breath.

He couldn’t run from it anymore.

“I don’t want to keep lying, Chii. I don’t want to hide behind irritation, and the anger for the fact that you and Yuya are together. I don’t want... I don’t want to have to be so mean again.” he started, and every word seemed to cost him more than he had previously thought. But he gathered his strengths and went on. “If I’m here tonight it’s to make things clear.”

“And why are you coming to tell me? Shouldn’t you do that with Yuya?” Yuri asked, looking more surprised than annoyed.

Yaotome shook his head, biting on his lower lip.

“No. It’s not with Yuya I have to talk to, because...” he lowered his eyes. “Because you’re the issue.” he whispered, then waited a few seconds before raising his head again, looking him straight in the eyes. “I’m here to tell you I’m in love with you, Yuri.” he said, and then he felt like all the air had left his lungs, as if he couldn’t breathe anymore.

The younger hadn’t reacted, not straight away.

He kept still for a time that seemed to go on forever, his eyes wide and the looks of who was trying to understand what he had just heard, as if he didn’t want to believe it.

It took a while for him to speak again.

“It’s not possible, Hikaru. If you’re here to mess with me, then you could’ve as well stayed home. I’m not willing to hear you saying stuff that it’s neither here nor there.” he said, confusedly, as if it was more of an attempt to convince himself than an actual reprimand.

The other sighed, shaking his head.

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, that he wasn’t going to believe him straight away.

And why should have he, after all? He hadn’t given him any good reason to do so, not after all that had happened.

He had, instead, given him plenty of reasons to hate him, and what he wanted right now was to erase that hate.

“I know you feel messed with, Chii. But it is what it is, I can’t help it.” he started to explain, calm. “I’ve spent years thinking you were just a kid, those in which you actually were one. When you’ve grown up and I’ve started to think you had changed, I kept repeating myself I must’ve been out of my mind, that you were always the same, and that it made no sense for me to feel any form of attraction toward you.” he closed his eyes briefly, letting himself be hit by flashes of that time. “But I’ve made my mind, and in the end I’ve given up. I felt something for you, more than a friend should, and there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t even think about it, I could barely admit it to myself for how disgusting I felt. Because I kept thinking about how you were, about the fact that I’ve watched you grow up, and that this sudden interest wasn’t natural. And so I’ve never done a thing, because I’ve convinced myself of the fact that I couldn’t.” he paused, starting to torture his fingers with his nails. “But then you’ve grown closer to Yuya. And he used to come to me, and expressed the very same doubts I had, and not once I’ve dared telling him that I felt the same way. What was the point? You were in love with him, not me.” he gazed at the younger’s expression, finding him absorbed in what he was saying. “I thought he wasn’t going to act on it. I thought he would’ve seen it like I did, that he would’ve thought it was impossible even to just imagine of doing something about it, that he would’ve given up. But he didn’t.” his voice shivered for a moment, and he had to stop to avoid unleashing that anger that had caught him the moment Yuya had told him he and Chinen were together.

He took a couple of deep breaths and went on.

“And I’ve felt so damn stupid for all the qualms I’ve had during the years. I was deadly mad at Yuya because it seemed like he hadn’t had any doubt, that he had had his chance right away when... well, when he didn’t deserve it.” he smiled feebly, not at all cheerful. “And I know it’s not like that. I know it hasn’t been easy on him, I know he’s doubted, that some time he still does, that his choice hasn’t been the right one for you. Only, he’s made his move when I’ve never had the courage to. I wasn’t really mad at him. I was envious, and taking it out on him has felt almost natural.” he finished, tired of talking.

It was the first time he admitted all of that out loud.

It had taken him weeks to convince himself that what he had told Takaki was wrong, that he had let him suffer uselessly, when he had no real guilt in this.

He wished he could’ve said he was sorry and pretend that nothing had happened, but he knew that like that it wouldn’t have taken long for him to fall for it anymore, and be back feeling envy, loathe, which would’ve brought him back to the beginning.

He had chosen to solve the problem at the root, to do what he should’ve done a long time ago.

And it didn’t matter that his moment was gone. At least now he was there, in front of Chinen, telling him what he had always kept from him.

He waited for him to reply, while he felt the tension growing, while he was already starting to regret what he had done.

The younger, at least, didn’t let him think too much.

“Are you satisfied now?” he asked, low, walking toward him. “Are you satisfied of what you’ve told me? Are you satisfied...” his voice got louder, but then he stopped, biting his lips. “Was it really necessary, Hikaru?” he asked in the end, raising his eyes, a harsh look on his face.

The elder frowned.

He wasn’t expecting it; or, better, he hadn’t expected any particular reaction, but perhaps he had hoped for some understanding.

“I’m sorry, Chii.” he swallowed, backing down. “Pretend I’ve never told you a thing. Pretend I was never here, okay?” he said quickly, going toward the front door and getting outside, under the rain that still hadn’t stopped falling.

He heard the younger follow him, but he didn’t bother turn around until he felt him grab his arms.

“What does it mean ‘pretend I’ve never told you a thing’?” he yelled, looking up for a moment as if he had realized just now it was raining. But he didn’t seem to care, not much. “You can’t come here, tell me all of that and then ask me to pretend nothing happened, Hikaru. Do you have the faintest idea of what’s happened these past weeks? Do you have any idea how Yuya has felt? And now you come here and tell me that all you’ve told him is because you feel something for me and you’ve been too much of a coward to come and tell me?” he went on, showing more anger, holding his arm tighter. “It’s not fair. What do you want me to do, now?” he asked.

Hikaru slowly loosened the other’s hold on him, shrugging.

“I don’t want you to do anything. I just wanted...” he sighed, brushing a hand over his wet face. “I just wanted to tell you how I felt, that’s all. I don’t want anything, I’m not expecting anything. After all, you love Yuya, don’t you?” he asked, and the younger nodded quickly. “Good. Then there’s no problem, right? Not for you, at least.” he said.

He waited for Yuri to reply, and when he realized he wasn’t going to he started walking again, feeling even worse than when he had arrived.

He had taken just a few steps, when he heard him call him again.

“Hikaru!” the younger said, out loud.

Again, Yaotome turned, ready for another attack.

But every trace of anger had disappeared from Chinen’s face.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything.” he murmured, serious. “Even if you had told him... I would’ve still loved Yuya.” he said.

Hikaru nodded briefly, not knowing what else to do, and then left.

He didn’t hear any noise from the door, and he felt Yuri’s gaze on his back.

But he didn’t turn again.

He was tired, and he wanted to go back home.

He didn’t know how to feel anymore; he didn’t know if the void had disappeared, he wasn’t clear-minded enough to realize that.

He knew, though, that Chinen’s last words had made him feel... relieved, somehow.

It wouldn’t have changed anything, not even if he had had the courage to tell him how he felt.

After all, he had known that all along. Hearing it, anyway, was a whole other thing.

He wished he could’ve smiled about that thought, but it was too much.

The circumstance didn’t deserve any cheerfulness, but not too much sadness either.

It would’ve been better from now on, and it was enough.

Not well.

But definitely better.


End file.
